Joke of the Day

[nick74]

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

[nick74]

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist. "I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..." "Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"

[nick74]

"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth." "Hundred dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only twenty dollars for such work!" "Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

[nick74]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see as to why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[nick74]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't tho se parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[nick74]

A Greek priest is driving down to New York to see a show, and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister replies, "Just water."

The trooper asks, "Then, why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

[nick74]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says,
"I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
he said! I'm a divorce Lawyer!

[nick74]

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy s aid, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview.. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.' Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?' The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you d on't have any ears!'

[nick74]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Rich14304]

How the Market Really Operates

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

[nick74]

lol . clever joke.. Thanks for sharing.

[Rich14304]

I can accept it may reflect clever, and will agree; it was not of my design, but of my consideration, for the post; for the reply; for insight; what is to say; the post is a joke? ~Rich

[nick74]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

[Rich14304]

A banker was walking in the park one day when she noticed a large frog sitting along the side of the pond.

As she was walking by, the frog suddenly piped up and said, “Excuse me…but…ummm… would you happen to be a banker?”

The banker responded, “Why yes, I am a banker. Why do you ask?”

“Well,” says the frog, “I was a forecasting economist, and my forecasts didn’t turn out so well. The CEO I worked for put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. The spell can be broken if a banker will kiss me. Then I can return to being a forecasting economist.”

The banker paused for a moment, then reached out, picked up the frog, put him in her purse, and began walking along.

After a few minutes the frog piped up, “Hey, what are you doing? If you will just give me a kiss I can walk along on my own and you won’t have to carry me.”

The banker stopped, looked down at the frog, and said “True… but you’re worth a lot more to me as a talking frog than as a forecasting economist.”

[Rich14304]

Members/Readers,

As jokes are primarily a FORM to convey a sub-lime truth; I found this one to be of Value:

Explaining the credit / mortgage financial crisis:

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers – most of whom are unemployed alcoholics – to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar.

Taking advantage of her customers’ freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages.

Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS.

These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean; and how the securities are guaranteed.

Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager (subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar.

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%.

The suppliers of Heidi’s bar, having granted her generous payment due dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

END

Members/Readers; now does the function of Derivatives make sense to YOU?

My thanks and appreciation to the originating Author for the wit, common-sense, and compassion to offer a FUNCTION in such a manner

Rich
x11003